How to Hate Yourself, published in Broadly

How to Hate Yourself

by Laura House, Self-Hate Coach

HUMOR

MAR 6 2016

As an internationally renowned Self-Hate Coach, I teach people all around the world how to hate themselves more fully, more deeply than they ever thought possible. And I can do the same for you.

As I've traveled the world, living and learning, I've found that in one way, people are all the same. Everyone has an inner voice of doubt and fear. We do all kinds of things to quiet it down or get rid of it altogether. We take workshops with gurus, read self-help books, go to psychiatrists, psychologists, and pet psychics. We eat Paleo, raw, and vegan, join the cult of Crossfit, and try to sweat out self-hate in infra-red saunas. Billion-dollar industries are built on "experts" helping us getting rid of this voice and transforming it into self-love and confidence.

Why doesn't that voice go away? Because that voice is right.

As an internationally renowned Self-Hate Coach, I teach people all around the world how to hate themselves more fully, more deeply than they ever thought possible. And I can do the same for you. Stop wasting your time trying to quiet that voice of self-hate and start investing your time turning the volume of that voice up to eleven.

You're born with a mind to hate. Tons of people are smarter than you. And the ones who aren't brighter, are definitely happier than you. You will never be smart enough. Except for the times you're too smart, and it's off-putting.

You have a creative mind in the sense that it can wander and daydream for hours, but how creative are you, really? It's not like you wrote Blade Runner or invented the bacon bowl. Your mind simply isn't that great.

You have a life to hate. Do you have everything you want in life? You would have it all if you were better.

Do you know anyone who makes more money than you, lives in a bigger house, has a cooler job, or drives a Tesla? Of course you do, and every one of these people has a better life than you. Hate yourself for not doing life very well.

Don't fight self-hate; it's a natural way of being. Embrace it.

Here are some easy and efficient techniques you can start using to hate yourself.

Make a List of People Who Are Better than You!

A great way to nurture self-hate is to focus on other people who are better than you. They have more, they do more, so they are worth more. Metaphorically, other people exist to show you what you should be, but aren't. One way to never lose sight of people who are better than you is to make a list of them and keep it handy. Keep it by your bedside and read it before sleeping. Tape it to your bathroom mirror and read it while you're futilely trying to make yourself presentable to the public. Place a miniature version in your wallet, stick it to your rear-view mirror, or tattoo it on your forearm. Look at it many times every day, so you are always focused on people who are better than you.

I'll help you get started:

  • Grimes
  • The female leads of the Ghostbusters reboot
  • Your elementary school friend who married well
  • Everyone in magazines
  • Astronauts
  • People who speak more languages than you
  • Jonas Salk
  • Babies—they haven't made mistakes but you have. Babies are better than you.
  • Pam Grier
  • Once you get the hang of it, you'll be off and running with your own list. Enjoy!

Use Facebook as Often as Possible

The key to getting the most self-hate from using Facebook is to internalize every post and make it about you.

When your best friend posts that she got a new job, hate yourself. You didn't get a new job. You hadn't even been thinking about getting a new job. You're still in the same dumb job you were last week. Even if you like your job, you can hate yourself for not having a new one.

When your cousin posts pics of his family having fun at the park and says "Epic day," think about your day. Was it epic, or was it just sort of a regular day with work, traffic, and microwaved meals? Unless your day, too, was epic, your cousin is living a better life than you. He's better than you, so hate yourself for not living as well as your cousin.

When an ex posts that they're engaged, know for sure they're marrying someone better than you. Hate yourself for not being loveable.

Look at what a girl who sat near you in Honors Government for half a semester in high school had for dinner: Blackened Scrod. Have you ever even had scrod, much less a blackened version? Do you even know what scrod is other than "some kind of fish"? That girl you barely know is killing it with dinner tonight, while you put a handful of cereal on yogurt that's about to go bad. Hate. Yourself.

When an ex posts that they're engaged, know for sure they're marrying someone better than you. Hate yourself for not being loveable.

The ways to hate yourself using social media are only limited by your imagination.

"Er-Than"

Sometimes it's not obvious that someone is better than you. For example, your car is nicer than theirs. How can you hate yourself when you might be as good as or even better than them? It's easy. Imagine ways they're better than you that you can't see, using "er-than." They're probably smart-er than me... They're nice-er than me....Their friends are cool-er than my friends...I bet they're spiritual-er than me... Imagining that a stranger is better than you is a free and easy way to hate yourself. Take advantage!

Double What You Don't Have

No matter how good things are in your life, you can always find a way to hate yourself. So, you can hate yourself even when you feel proud of an accomplishment. Let's say you worked really hard to lose ten pounds. Ten pounds? That's great! But it's not twenty pounds! See what I did there? When you are happy about something, double it, then hate yourself for not having more.

Ex. 2: "Wow! I made $100,000 last year, it's the most I've ever made!" It's true, $100,000 is great! But it's not $200,000; that'd really be something.

Using numbers is an easy self-hate technique. No matter how great you're doing, you can always hate yourself for not doing twice as well.

In Conclusion

Billion-dollar industries prey on people trying to love themselves. Don't fall for it. They just want to sell you tanning sessions, expensive purses, or yoga retreats in Bali.

Big Beauty says you can love yourself after you freeze off your fat, acid-burn away your wrinkles, and take pills to thicken your sorry-ass eyelashes.

Big Fashion thinks you'll love yourself if you can fit into their tiny, expensive clothes.

Big Self-Help offers techniques to get you to love yourself such as standing in front of a mirror insisting to your reflection that you love yourself, which has worked for no one ever. And on and on and on.

They're all wrong. The voice inside of doubt and fear will always be there—it's part of the human condition. And you will only ever be an imperfect you, so you might as well accept it.