Weight watchers Chronicles

I find weight watchers amazing.  Most people watch their weight.  But to call yourself a weight watcher, to plunk down $10 a week to be told how to eat, that’s something special. 
Weight Watchers purports that journaling (“journal” noun, a place where you write things down, turned to “journaling” a verb, to write things in a place where you write things down) is the #1 tool for losing weight.  Journaling costs about 19 cents a year, factoring in for pen and paper. (And they’re both free in offices, banks & hotel rooms, so even 19 cents is being generous). 
The number 2 most effective tool for weight loss:  weekly meetings.  Weekly meetings are where the watchers congregate to discuss the food they’ve obsessed about all week.  This is not a fun place, generally.  Sure, I’ve had some fun meetings.  Some where we sang “All that Jazz” but made it “all those points.”  (You should see what she did with the 12 days of Christmas).  But for the most part it’s a degrading, painful part of being fat.  A whiner club.  An alternative fat planet from which every inhabitant is trying desperately to escape.
The level of delusion is palpable.

My favorite part is when people tell you how something tastes like something else.  No food is prohibited on WW, technically.  But you’re allowed approx. 25 points a day.  Pizza hut would be 18 points.  Cheesecake 38.  a whopper 15.  so you really can’t “waste” points, which, of course, is the point.

So people are often coming up with “this thing for 1 or 2 points tastes JUST LIKE this million point thing, I can’t believe it, I love it so much!”  you know how diet coke doesn’t taste like coke?  It’s kind of like that.  Now, I’ll admit, I do make “tastes like the food I like” food.  But, I’ve not become so delusional that I’d claim, “tastes’ just like.”

Years ago, when I was attending WW attempt #3, there was a lady who was so excited to share.  “Oh, my god, you guys, I discovered the greatest thing.  Take some Alba 77…”  I’m going to interrupt her right here.  Alba 77.  Alba is a sugar-free chocolate shake mix, invented in, I’m assuming, 1977, and it tastes like it.  Remember all those great sugar-free products of the 70’s, like Tab.  Mmm, Tab shake.  I think you get my point.  Back to her,  “anyway, you take an Alba packet, mix it just a little milk, like a tablespoon or 2, add a few raisins, make it into kind of a little log, and freeze it, in a baggie or saran wrap.  Take it out in a couple of hours, and I swear, it tastes just like a Snicker’s!!”

Excuse me?  Beg pardon?  Snicker’s the candy bar?  With nuts and nougat?  First of all, Snicker’s doesn’t even have raisins, nor is it frozen, unless you get the ice cream kind and that’s not what you said.  What you’ve described tastes utterly NOTHING like a SNICKER’S!!!!  Nothing!!  How about being honest, “I made fake candy and pretend it’s snicker’s because I’m too fat to eat snickers!”

WW loves the parfait.  Loves, loves, loves.  Does anyone else even use the term?  They love to make yogurt sound exciting.  Take a glass (use a wine glass to be oh, so elegant!).  Spoon in a little key lime yogurt, then a layer of strawberries, then more yogurt, then top with strawberries, voila!  Key lime strawberry parfait!  Use lemon yogurt and blueberries for lemon-blueberry parfait!  Next week, I’ll explain how to make a vanilla cantaloupe parfait!  I think I get it.  They are freaks for parfaits, really keeping them alive.  Apparently a ww employee worked at dairy queen in 1978, made a suggestion, and they just can’t get over it.  Yeah, you could call it a parfait.  You could also call it a “yogurt with other stuff mixed in.”




Snickers
I used to go to Weight Watchers, but the meetings bummed me out too much. It’s such a weird part of a health program.  Well, partly we tell you how you can lose weight.  And then, partly, it’s a cult.
 It’s a whole lot of delusion for a Saturday morning.  People are always in there trying trick their taste buds.  Making make low-fat versions of their favorite foods, and pretending they’re just as good. “You guys, if you take lime yogurt, and mix it with a little Cool Whip lite, it tastes just like cheesecake, I swear.”  No, it doesn’t.  Not even a little.  I don’t mind low-fat versions, but let’s not kid ourselves, it’s not in any way as good.  Never has been.  Never will be.
This one woman stood up at a meeting and proudly announced, “Oh my god, I discovered the greatest thing.  You take a packet of Alba” (which is a low fat chocolate shake mix from the 70’s, and tastes really good, like Tab-style. Mmm, we all know saccharin tastes just as good—if not better than sugar) “and you mix the Alba with 2 tablespoons of mile—fat free-  and you put in a couple of raisins, not too many, because raisins have a lot of calories for a fruit, dried fruit is always higher, anyway… then you wrap it in Saran Wrap, like a little log, Put it in the freezer.  In a couple of hours, take it out.  It tastes….just like….a Snicker’s! I swear!  It’s sssssoooooo good!”
A.    No it’s not, you fat crazy bitch.  B. Gross.  C.  Snicker’s doesn’t even have raisins, nor is it usually frozen.  How did you get fat not knowing what’s in a Snicker’s? 
How about, “You guys, I made this frozen thing that is totally gross, but I eat it and pretend it’s a Snicker’s so I won’t get more fat.”