My friend Michelle started looking real good. Sure, it’s a little gay to say that, but it’s true. I asked what was going on and she revealed her secret: Oprah’s Boot Camp. She went further, extending an invitation, “I’m doing it again in October, do you want to do it with me?” This immediately flared my “if she can do it, I can do it” sensibility, so I said yes.
And that’s Oprah’s appeal. She is seemingly one of us. We’re not billionaires, but she wasn’t always one. Maybe we could be rich, too, with the right syndication deal. She interviews top celebrities, but they’re very chummy. “Hey, I’m like that with my friends, but we’re not super-rich—otherwise, just the same!” Oprah is a beacon of hope. And, it’s doubly so for those of us a little thick in the biscuit.
Oprah can lose herself some weight, girl. She is good at this. Sure, it comes back on here and there, but that’s how we know she’s really like us. This is her keeping it real. And we’re all with her when she tries on a new program. Hope springs eternal. This time we’ll do it. Okay, I’m in. So, what’s the plan?
Luckily, it’s all online. http://www.oprah.com/presents/2005/bootcamp/bootcamp_main.jhtml
Here’s the gist. It’s three months. You do 8 workouts in 6 days, so you’ve got 2 workouts on 2 of those days. You double the cardio on the 6th. You start with 30 minutes of cardio and add 2 minutes a week. So, by week 12, you’re doing something like 56 minutes of cardio for five days and 112 minutes on the 6th day. And, on all 6 days, you’re doing 20 minutes of arm weights. Eating? There’s very little of it. No sugar, no flour, no fried, no alcohol. And don’t eat 3 hours before bedtime. You do get 3 cheat days, but Oprah says to just have one thing. Once piece of chocolate or such. One. Not to eat all day, just one thing.
Holy crap—I’d rather be fat. I’m tired just typing that. It sounds like a nightmare.
Luckily, Michelle tweaked it just a bit so people of Earth could do it. Forget workouts 7 and 8. And a cheat day is a Cheat Day, not a “cheat thing.” And she said we didn’t have to double the cardio on day 6, just do a longer workout. Food stuff is the same. Whew. Oprah’s nothing if not disciplined. And she seems to take a very all-or-nothing approach. Optifast was her first big chunk of weight loss, where she didn’t eat any food—just those shakes. And, by the way, “shake” is a really generous word for those chocolate weight loss mixes. Have you had a shake? They’re thick and rich and full of ice-cream, and come with an extra-wide straw. They’re not a scoop of chocolate protein powder in skim milk. Oprah later had Rosie the personal chef, so we all tried “oven fried chicken” and lost a pound or two. Then she went all nuts with Bob Greene and ran a marathon. Oof. Did you read his book? It’s all get up at five and run and don’t eat anything good and you can be fit. Again, rather be fat. Another reason why she’s relatable. We all have a friend who’s always into some new thing. Of my friends, it’s me.
It looked like I could do the modified version of Boot Camp, so I dove in. There’s lots of info on the site, so I boned up. I printed and signed the contract. I looked into what to eat—chicken and vegetables came up a lot. And she has a segment called “snacks.” I’m immediately on it. If I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to do it while eating snacks. I start there.
But this is where I had to rethink Oprah.
Snack Number one: Tea.
Just tea. That’s right. Tea. Mmmm, girl, I love herbal tea in the afternoon served in a beautiful teapot, it is really satisfying. NO, Oprah, it’s not. Look, we’ve been binge buddies a long time. You can’t just suddenly love tea as a snack. That’s like when your friend starts getting into Jesus, or a 12 step program. Come back! I’m losing you to crazy Skinny Town. We were in this together! And, don’t kid yourself. You can drink tea all you want, but don’t call it a snack. Her second snack is tea with other stuff, which is a little less crazy, but still. There’s a picture now, and she’s got apple slices (1/2 an apple, sliced), and parmesan cheese shavings, and almonds. Pictured: 4 almonds. 4. Four. Cuatro.
Speaking of four, my favorite is Snack Four: The Oprah Sundae.
From the website:
Oprah handles this problem by making a crunchy sundae—she grabs a handful of Grape-Nuts® cereal and a handful of Spoon Size® Shredded Wheat. … "And then I use 2 percent milk," she says. "Skim would be even better but I don't like it. Then a few blueberries on top—and that is delicious!"
Oprah, um, how do I say this? That’s cereal. Cer-e-al. Poor people eat it all the time.
Oprah! You can’t do this! Cereal is not a sundae! You are not so rich that you can just change the English Language. You can’t just bite into a candle and exclaim, “Ooh, I love this Toblerone, and no calories!” You can’t just drink tap water and call it Merlot. And you can’t call cereal a sundae. Isn’t there someone within 5 miles of Oprah than can tell her it’s not a sundae? Where’s Gail? Can’t Gail tell Oprah that just because she’s a billionaire, she can’t just rename food. You can eat it; just don’t pretend it’s something else. I can’t just start calling Matt McConaughey my husband to make it so. It’s crazy. It’s better to be fat than crazy, Oprah. Come back to us.
I did the boot camp. A good 2 months. And it does make you crazy. Till you hit that Cheat Day. Then you remember, oh, how you remember. Food is good. And life is good. And unless you have to be cut out of your home or are wider than you are tall, settle down. I’m sure it’s very exciting to have abs, but at what cost, Oprah? At what cost?